Three Years Ago Today...

Three years ago today...
1,095 days ago...
26,280 hours ago...

I held the hand of my father and watched as he passed from this life to eternal glory.  It was, and to this day remains, the worst day of my life.  While part of me was so happy that his twenty-two month battle with pancreatic cancer was over and he was finally before Jesus in a completely healed body, the bigger part of me grieved, and continues to grieve because he is no longer with me.

I lost so much that day:
father
friend
confidant
handyman
counselor
provider
advice giver
listener
protector
and the list goes on and on.

Will my grief ever be gone?  Probably not.  I mean I lost someone who meant so much to me - more than a mere blog post can adequately explain.   The aftermath of grief on me personally and in my family has continued to have a ripple effect each day that passes.

I think what has changed is the way I am dealing with my grief.  I realized for a long time that I was not handling it at all.  I was avoiding it which was making me grumpy, short-tempered, losing my focus, fragmenting relationships, making me moody, and medicating myself with things like food and laziness.  My bed was my best friend because I could sleep, sometimes the whole evening, or if it were a weekend, the entire day away.  For awhile I turned to running to help me cope, or I threw myself into my job and would spend long days and weekends there to escape. Even those things didn't help the overwhelming crashes and waves of depression that were causing me to drown.  So, I gave up.  I succumbed to the depression.  Time continued to pass quickly, and it didn't bring my dad back or make me feel any better.

What I was doing wasn't working.  I realized that and started getting help for myself.  Now, when I am sad I deal with the sadness instead of pushing it away or ignoring it.  Three years later, I can say that there are times when I am still so sad, but I can look back and smile more at the memories of my father than be saddened by them.  I am turning to the Lord in my time of need instead of trying to handle it myself - something I should have been doing all along.

My dad was one special guy.  I was so fortunate to have him as my father and to have him in my life for the time he was there.  I would love to hear his voice again or to see his smile or to give him a high-foot when the Colts score a touchdown, but for now, I just have to rest in the knowledge that I will see him again one day.

I miss and love you, Dad!