Three Years Ago Today...

Three years ago today...
1,095 days ago...
26,280 hours ago...

I held the hand of my father and watched as he passed from this life to eternal glory.  It was, and to this day remains, the worst day of my life.  While part of me was so happy that his twenty-two month battle with pancreatic cancer was over and he was finally before Jesus in a completely healed body, the bigger part of me grieved, and continues to grieve because he is no longer with me.

I lost so much that day:
father
friend
confidant
handyman
counselor
provider
advice giver
listener
protector
and the list goes on and on.

Will my grief ever be gone?  Probably not.  I mean I lost someone who meant so much to me - more than a mere blog post can adequately explain.   The aftermath of grief on me personally and in my family has continued to have a ripple effect each day that passes.

I think what has changed is the way I am dealing with my grief.  I realized for a long time that I was not handling it at all.  I was avoiding it which was making me grumpy, short-tempered, losing my focus, fragmenting relationships, making me moody, and medicating myself with things like food and laziness.  My bed was my best friend because I could sleep, sometimes the whole evening, or if it were a weekend, the entire day away.  For awhile I turned to running to help me cope, or I threw myself into my job and would spend long days and weekends there to escape. Even those things didn't help the overwhelming crashes and waves of depression that were causing me to drown.  So, I gave up.  I succumbed to the depression.  Time continued to pass quickly, and it didn't bring my dad back or make me feel any better.

What I was doing wasn't working.  I realized that and started getting help for myself.  Now, when I am sad I deal with the sadness instead of pushing it away or ignoring it.  Three years later, I can say that there are times when I am still so sad, but I can look back and smile more at the memories of my father than be saddened by them.  I am turning to the Lord in my time of need instead of trying to handle it myself - something I should have been doing all along.

My dad was one special guy.  I was so fortunate to have him as my father and to have him in my life for the time he was there.  I would love to hear his voice again or to see his smile or to give him a high-foot when the Colts score a touchdown, but for now, I just have to rest in the knowledge that I will see him again one day.

I miss and love you, Dad!

Mind Games

This past week has been one mental battle after another.  I mean, if you saw all of the thoughts in my head, you would call me crazy!

The first battle that came up and I have to deal with continuously is the scale.  Now, since I have started eating healthier and working out consistently, I have lost weight.  I lost weight my first week and I lost weight my second week.  Reason to celebrate, right?  One would think...but do you know what I wrestled with?  I was disappointed that I did not lose as much the second week as I did the first week.  Seriously?!?!?  What is wrong with me?  It is that kind of thinking that I HAVE to change, or I will sabotage myself in this journey.  

I know that some would suggest to me that I shouldn't weigh myself, and that might work for some people.  At this point, I don't think it will work for me.  I am still learning how to eat better and I want to make sure that I am doing it right.  Weighing in will help me with that.  I just need to make sure I only weigh in once a week and not climb on the scale multiple times throughout the week. Another reason is that I am participating in a weight loss competition, and I am required to weigh-in. I joined the competition as yet another way to keep me accountable.  

Another mental battle I fought this week is dessert - more specifically cake, even more specifically wedding cake.  

I was at a wedding, and of course, I knew that wedding cake would be involved.  I already passed one test by filling three-fourths of my plate with vegetables and salad and the other fourth of the plate with cheese tortellini and a small piece of garlic bread.  Old Allison would have filled three-fourths of her plate with cheese tortellini and tons of garlic bread, and then if there was room, put some veggies or salad on the plate.  You would have thought that small victory would have made this mental battle easier, but it didn't.  

In fact, I am almost sure it made it worse.  I started thinking things like you were good at dinner so what is one piece of wedding cake?  Or, how many weddings are there?  Wedding cake doesn't come along that often.  Those thoughts clashed with thoughts of wanting to make a better, healthier choice for me.  The war raged in my head for thirty minutes.  THIRTY MINUTES!  I watched as others enjoyed their cake and continued fighting with myself.  The end result?  Surprisingly, I walked away without eating the cake.  That is the first time I have refused wedding cake.  

I am hoping that small victory over food will help encourage and strengthen me and make me stronger mentally.  

I am working so hard on changing my mind because I want my body to change.  I am committing to myself to be my best self.  2015 is my year - my year to act.  I saw this and it helped to build my resolve.  

An Open Letter to My Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been one week since I officially took charge of my health.  I worked so hard last week.  I meal planned, worked out (sometimes twice a day!), wore my vivofit and tracked my steps daily, and stuck to the meals that I had planned out.  Thinking about this week, I feel empowered.  I feel motivated.  I want to keep going, but I need your help.

You see, I have been "good" or on track for one week - one week.  I am trying to undo YEARS and YEARS of unhealthy habits.  I need you to realize that it is going to take time.  I am spending the time now to reteach myself about nutrition and portion sizes.  I have realized that my battle all along has really been on the nutrition side.  I am pretty active and don't mind working out.  Sometimes, I daresay, I enjoy it.  Working out isn't enough, though.  The nutrition is the part that I am struggling with.

How can you help me with this?  Here are some ways:

1.  Don't offer me food - especially sweets.  I am a bona fide sweet addict.  I struggle with controlling my sweet tooth, and it will be REALLY hard for me to turn you down.

2.  At the same time, don't judge me or say things like, "Should you be eating that?" if you do see me eating something sweet.  That could cause a couple of things to happen ranging from me throwing something at you (pretty unlikely) to feeling guilty and then secretly binge eating even more later on (more likely).

3.  Eating out may be a challenge for me.  I enjoy going out to eat.  Shoot, there were times (in my past) that I would go out to eat for every single meal of the day.  I like seeing my family and friends, and I want to spend time with you. I would love to find other ways to spend time with you.  Now, this does not mean that I will not go out to eat again.  That is just unrealistic, and quite frankly, I really enjoy it.  I am just going to have to plan to go out to eat.  That will take planning on my part and perhaps scouring the menu a little longer than normal to find healthier options,

4.  Speaking of going out to eat AND my sweet tooth - definitely don't ask me if I want dessert.  Because I am going to want dessert.  I am weak.  Help me out.

5.  Understand that I may have to avoid some situations.  They may just be too tempting at this point. For example, I may have to eat lunch in my room on the days that we have pitch-ins because frankly, our staff can bring some AMAZING food in on pitch-in days.

6.  If you invite me over to your house, please do not be offended if I ask what you are serving.  This will help me know what I can eat and what I should avoid.  It also helps me know if I am going to need to eat a little something before I come over so I don't go crazy at your house.

I am sure as I continue on this journey I am going to learn new things about myself.  There may be some other things that come up that I will need your help.  I already know that I have amazing family and friends.  I have to advocate for myself now, and I know that all of you will understand and be supportive.  Once I start to better understand the nutrition that my body needs to fuel itself in a healthy manner then it will get easier.  I just have to reteach and retrain my brain and body.

Thank you, my dear loved ones, for supporting me so far.  It means so much to me and encourages me more than each of you will ever know.  Your love and support has given me the courage to put my goals into action - which is exactly what 2015 is all about.

Love,
Me

Words of encouragement from a friend this week

Second Annual Shake Family 5K

Last year my mom's family started a tradition at our New Year's gathering.  We had a 5K and enjoyed ourselves so much we decided to continue the tradition.  What a great way to celebrate the new year and focus on being more active - walking 3.1 miles!  This year we became even more official by having t-shirts made.  My Uncle Steve designed the t-shirts, and I loved them!  Here is a picture of some of the participants in their t-shirts:

Aren't we adorable?

This year was a lot colder than last year was.  I wore fleece lined leggings, sweatpants, a long sleeved t-shirt, my official 5K t-shirt, and a sweatshirt over that (sweatshirt is missing in photo so we match).  I wore a hat and gloves, too.  It was cold when we started out, but as we got going I started warming up and was a lot more comfortable.  Layers are a great way to avoid wearing a coat!

Our 5K route took us from the house to the park in Washington.  From there we walked around the lake and then out of the park back to the house.  It was a very scenic route, and we had a lot of fun.  I really enjoyed spending time with my cousins and catching up on what is going on with them.

****I am getting ready to talk about something that involves swearing and hurt feelings.  Reader discretion is advised.****  As wonderful as it was spending time with my family and starting the year by being active and completing a 5K together, I have to share something that happened to me during our walk.  We were walking together generally, but my cousin and I had fallen behind the others.  As we were walking around the lake, there were a couple of guys that I did not notice at the time.  We passed by the truck they were in, and I was listening to my cousin tell me about her friends.  All of a sudden, I hear a guy yell out, "Baby, your a** is so fat!"  I was in shock.  My cousin and I kept walking, but I was dying on the inside.  I felt embarrassed and humiliated, and I HATED that my sweet eighth grade cousin had to be put in that situation.  I had to choke back the tears because I didn't want her to see me upset.  I have been out running and walking in many different places all around the United States, and this is the first time that someone has said something derogatory towards me.  I did the only thing I could think of to do, I just kept my head up high and ignored them.  Fortunately, they did not say anything else to us, and my cousin and I continued on our way.

I know that everything in my journey is not going to go smoothly.  The important thing is that I don't give up.  I have to continue to put things in action.

 

2015 - Act!

As part of the Design Your Destiny course that I took at the end of 2014, one of the exercises was coming up with a word to represent 2015.  Honestly, I was hesitant to do this.  Part of the reason is that I have known other people that have done this, and they drove me crazy with their words.  I know - weird.  I wasn't really thinking about it until I saw this picture:

This got me thinking.  I had already started my year in a much better place because of all of the goal setting and planning I had done during the Design Your Destiny course.  What could really make this year the year that changes everything?  Action.  And then it was confirmed.  2015 is the year that I act on the goals that I have made.

I began researching the word act.  The definition for act is: take action; do something.  That is EXACTLY what I need to do in 2015.  I need to take action.  I need to do something.  In essence, I need to become a woman of my word.  I need to stop SAYING and start DOING.

I saw this quote, and it spoke to me:

I have been filled with doubt and fear for most of my life.  It is time I go out and get busy.  It is time that I act.  

Now I know that some of you are rolling your eyes or thinking things like yea, right, Allison, I will see it when I believe it.  Guess what?  I am doing the exact. same. thing.  Part of me is being super negative and fighting those voices in my head that tell me that I am just going to fail - again.  That haunts me.

But there is something different about this time.  There is part of me that is feeling hopeful and determined and most importantly, ready to act.  2015 is the year that I will act.