The other day I was getting ready for work. It was a jeans day, and those days I always look forward to. Who doesn't love working in jeans? I was putting on my "fat" jeans because I was having a fat feeling day. I just felt gross and awful. Anyway, I put on the jeans and was totally disgusted because the inner thigh area of them had holes in them and had to be thrown away. This was the second pair of jeans in a couple of weeks that have been pitched for the exact same thing. Insert instant grumpy mood here.
I have other pairs of jeans, but they are all in smaller sizes (I have a whole range of sizes in my closet from my years of yo-yoing up and down sizes). I wasn't giving up a jeans day so I squeezed myself into a smaller size and was more than slightly uncomfortable all day long. I could go buy some new jeans but there are two problems with that. This girl is on a budget and is trying to save money so I don't really want to spend the money, and more importantly, I do not really want to buy jeans in that bigger size. I want to wear the jeans in smaller sizes that I already have in my closet (and then I want to be able to go buy smaller sized jeans I have never worn before)!
Dealing with those emotions is bad enough, and the last couple of times I ran, I really struggled. I may have struggled in running because I woke up on Monday and my foot was sore and bruised. I was trying to remember how I injured it, and then I remembered. My dog was very excited and jumping up and down when she came right down on my bare foot. 109 pounds of excited dog on a foot is not a good feeling. I remember it hurting really badly when it happened. I ran after it happened, but the bruising did not surface until later. I decided to take a few days off of running to ensure that my foot is completely healed. I am hoping to run tomorrow at RFG (assuming we are not canceled because of the weather...winter!), and I am hoping it will be a breakthrough because I desperately need a breakthrough.
Why do I get in this cycle? Why can't I break free? Why can't I commit to losing weight and do it? Why is it such a mind game? Why do I gain momentum and then lose it so quickly? Why do I just want to throw in the towel so easily? Ugh! So frustrating.
There has been one major highlight this past week in all of my doom and gloom. The author of the blog that I posted a link to in my last post actually read it and commented! I was blown away, flabbergasted, completely excited that she is going to read my blog and that she even took the time to comment on it. I went back and reread the comment, and it completely speaks to the struggle I just wrote about. In fact, it caused me to change the title of this blog entry. I am going to share it here with you
Allison, I haven't read your other posts yet but I want to go back and catch up on your story. First, thanks for posting a link to my AOR post! Second, thank you for being honest on your blog about struggling with running. I'm struggling right now also. Today was the first day in....almost 10 months?...that I was able to run a full mile. GAH! Injury recovery.
Anyway, I want you to know that you WILL get there. There were more days that sucked running than days that didn't for the first 3 years of my running journey. Remember that when you are weak, physically, mentally and emotionally, God is still strong. Rely on Him to keep you going...even on days when you struggle to run...and He will be there.
This is one of the things I love about distance running. When my body is weak and my mind clears out all the clutter and distraction, what is left is a stronger sense of my connection to God. I pray you get that from running as well!
They say that breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. :-)
Praying that anyone (including me) who is experiencing a breakdown will lead to a breakthrough!
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Hi Allison! Old college pal, Michelle here : ) I had to comment because I am totally having jeans issues of late myself--totally has to be my dryer's fault, right? But seriously, thank you for your honesty. This has been a difficult winter. The weather makes it hard for me to get to the rec center physically and the emotional impact of cabin fever and winter blues only makes that worse. Not that I want you or anyone else to struggle, but it helps to know that Adult Onset Fitness (to steal from the other post) isn't easy for everyone (dare I say anyone?). I am not up on all the running tips and such, but I was running until in the fall when I broke a toe. A tiny pinky toe totally threw me off. But, it turned out to be a positive. Because I couldn't run for a while I started using the stationary bike .which I thought I'd hate, but turned out I like. I found I was able to push myself harder because there was no impact. Of course if I want to start running regularly again I'll have to recondition some muscles, but I don't feel I've lost much ground. Not that I'm advising giving up running, not at all! But maybe adding in some more cross training would help break your rut--especially when you have any sort of injury. Like I said, I'm no running expert, but just a thought, sometimes a change in tactic can help reach a goal even if it wasn't our original plan. I'm also thinking of Dory in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" Just keep up the good work--even when you don't think you are getting anywhere you are doing more now than when you started and God will see you through and in the meantime He is using you to help encourage others. Thanks again for the moral support (I know you don't write for me, specifically, but some days it sure seems that way!)
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