Have You Seen Allison?

Confession is good for the soul.  So, here goes. . .

I have been spiraling for months now.  Struggling with emotions and things I have no control over.  I have holed myself up and have let depression take over.  I have been consumed with thoughts and feelings and have not dealt with them in the way I should.

What started this?  Who honestly knows?

One thing I can say for sure is that grief is a very real thing.  People think that after a certain amount of time you should be past it and all better.  Well, it has been close to two years since my dad has passed away, and I can honestly say that year two is just as hard as year one was.  Thanksgiving and Christmas I were bad; Thanksgiving and Christmas II were super bad.  I think you also feel like as more time passes you can't really talk about it because people are over talking about it with you.  That they are just thinking get over it already.

Let me be clear about one thing - I have AMAZING friends!  And NOT a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has ever told me they do not want to talk about my grief with me.  In fact, if I bring it up, they do listen and are supportive.  This is just something that I, not wanting to be a burden to anyone, have internalized and believed.

That could just be an excuse.  I don't know.  In conjunction with these feelings of sadness, I have really struggled at work.  I have been put in situations this year that I have not been confronted with before.  As a teacher that is one thing I love about teaching - each year is different and challenging.  But being so sad and then being challenged at work has not been a good combination for me.

I would literally come home from work (later and later every day), make myself dinner, and be so worn out from my day that I would fall asleep on my couch.  Who had time for running?  I was just trying to get by.  This, of course, led to a vicious cycle.  I was too tired to work out.  Ironically, I knew that working out would help give me energy, but I could not make myself do it.

I didn't not run completely.  In fact, on Thanksgiving my dear friend Kristal and I started a new tradition of completing the Drumstick Dash.  It was freezing cold, and at the time I had not run for two weeks so I was worried about doing it.  Maybe it was because of the cold, maybe it was because I was really excited about getting home to the delicious meal, or maybe it was because I was running with a friend, but I ran the Drumstick Dash with my fastest mile time!  It was such a good feeling!  I was pretty proud of myself that day.

Another milestone for me was that I put up a Christmas tree this year.  Now, this may seem like it is not a big deal to some people, but to me, it was huge.  I have not put up a Christmas tree for two years.  Last year I wanted nothing to do with Christmas.  The year before my family was spending so much time in and out of the hospital and at the time Kristal was my roommate and darling Shalom was at that age where a tree with all sorts of ornaments was not a good combination so we didn't put one up.

My dad always loved Christmas.  He really wanted to make Christmas special for us and loved having a tree.  I decided this year I was going to put the tree up.  If only it had been that easy. . .the box containing the Christmas tree was brought in and returned to my garage numerous times before I decided to finally put it up.  Here is a picture of my tree this year:

My Christmas Tree 2013

Did putting up my tree make Christmas any easier?  No, but it was a start.

The desire to run has been in me even during these months I didn't do it.  I got teary-eyed when I opened one of my Christmas presents from three of my favorite students.  Here is a picture of my present proudly on display in my house:

Best. Christmas. Present. Ever.

It is a medal holder that has the bible verse Psalm 119:32 on it.  The one medal hanging on it is my Warrior Dash 2013 medal.  The bible verse says:

This verse just speaks to me and encourages me to continue to run because I have been set free.  Set free from all of this junk that I have been carrying.  The burden is the Lord's.  I need to continue to give it to Him and turning to Him instead of letting it weigh me down and make me weary.  Getting this present meant so much to me and has helped give me the strength to start training again.  

In addition to that beautiful gift, I logged into Facebook one day (which I even neglected Facebook during my time off of life. . .although, maybe that was not a bad thing.)  Run for God had posted my favorite verse that very day.  I have to share it with you now.

My path has not been straight.  In fact, I had done a U-turn towards the wrong way instead of pushing forward.  It may be difficult, but I am recommitting to trusting the Lord with all of my heart and not leaning on my own understanding.  

I have some pretty exciting things coming up.  Here is a sneak peek teaser of future blog posts: lacing up the shoes, New Year's Day 5K, Run for God II, and more!