Two Years Ago...

***Warning!  This post is emotional and may not be the most uplifting and is not even running related.  If you don't read it, it is okay.  I just needed to reflect and express some of my turbulent emotions.  Love you, Readers!

Two years ago I got the phone call that changed my life.  I remember it so clearly.  I was up early getting ready for work because it was a Wednesday, and I had an early meeting at school.  My phone rang, and I looked at the caller ID.  My heart sank when I saw my mom's number flashing across the screen.  I knew even before I picked up the phone why she was calling.  It was an inevitable phone call. I just wasn't ready for it to come.  I picked up the phone and remember how calm my mom sounded (she is always so good in emergencies) when she told me that I needed to get to the rehab facility because my dad was in the process of dying.

When someone you love is dying from cancer you learn all sorts of things that you don't really want to learn.  I learned new terminology like tumor markers and what the growing numbers meant; I learned that there is a process to dying; and I learned that no matter how much warning you are given, nothing, and I mean nothing, you do can prepare you to watch someone you love go through that.  It is a terrible, terrible thing to experience, and I am pretty sure that I was completely numb throughout the 22 month ordeal. . . and maybe even still partially numb two years later.

I have never seen someone die.  On January 25, 2012, while holding my dad's hand, I watched him take his last breath.  It was the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life.  As much as I didn't want to be there, I had a stronger desire to not let my dad pass to the next life without being there to support him.  That day we were surrounded with family and friends, and even now we are so blessed because we continue to be surrounded by wonderful family and amazing friends.

I heard this quote at some point after my dad died, and it really stuck.  I love my father deeply and that explains why the grief still cuts even two years later.  For the most part I am fine.  Holidays are rough, the anniversary of his passing is the worst, birthdays and family celebrations are challenging, but the day to day living is livable.  There are times when I am still ambushed with grief - a memory, a song, a reminder, something will just trigger it.  But I am getting stronger through it.  On the first anniversary of his death I didn't get out of bed.  This year I have a meeting for the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network scheduled for today.  I am going.  What happens after that?  We will see.  It may be back to bed for me, or maybe, just maybe, I will find the strength to stay out of bed all day.

I really struggle with not having a dad.  He was the person I went to when I needed anything.  He did such a great job of taking care of all of us.  A bible verse the Lord revealed to me within the first year of his passing gives me comfort.

This reminds me that the Lord has not forgotten about me.  He is THE Father.  While my dad is in Heaven in a healthy, cancer-free body worshiping before the Lord, THE Father is looking out for me and taking care of me.  And while I am so brokenhearted and my spirit is crushed, I have this promise from the Lord:

What is the point to this post?  I am not really sure.  Although I have and am experiencing some of the darkest days of my life, I still have hope.  My desire to start running and grow closer to God was in response to my grief.  I have never felt an outpouring of love so strongly than I did those days surrounding my dad's death.  I have kept voicemails, texts, e-mails, and cards from people that reached out to me during that time. When I need to, I go back and listen to them or read them.

Everyone grieves differently.  However, I want to encourage you to not be afraid to reach out to someone who is in the midst of grief.  Sure you have no idea what to say, but that doesn't matter.  Rarely will a grieving person remember what you said to them (unless it was just downright offensive), however, they will remember that you were there for them.  Also, don't be afraid to bring up the deceased loved one.  If it is too painful a time for the person to talk about it, they will let you know.  However, it is so nice being able to talk about or share a memory of your deceased love one.  I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me over the past two years when someone has given me a picture of my dad, shared a memory of him, or given me something to remember him by like this precious necklace I was given at Christmas by my Uncle Stu, My Melanie, Peyton, and Preston:

Those sweet gestures help so much, and I got one just this week when a friend of mine from high school sent me this picture of my dad and me taken in 1997:

My father is on my mind daily and will forever be in my heart.  He helped shape me into the person that I am today.  January 25th is no longer just another day for me.  It is a day that I will never forget.  It is the day that I finally realized that grief is the price you pay for loving someone.  We love you and miss you, Dad!

Run for God Part II

Run for God (RFG) has officially started at church again.  This is the second round for our group, and I am so excited about all that is going on!  This time we have two groups going simultaneously, the 5K group that we started in July and a new 10K / Half-Marathon training group that was added for this round.  Last night was our second time meeting, and I am just so excited about what God is doing in the lives of the people that are involved!

I am excited that my friend Merica is stepping out in faith and leading the 5K group.  I know that she will do an amazing job, and I love seeing the relationship she has with other people in her group.  She has made great connections, recruited people to be in her group, and is doing such a great job training with them on Thursdays.  She is doing awesome!

I am in the 10K / Half-Marathon group with several others who are training for Half-Marathons or who are wanting the challenge of running a further distance.  I am excited that I have met new people and am looking forward to bonding with this group like we did with our first RFG group.  We have new curriculum that we are going through and more intense training.  In fact, the first time I looked at the book with the training program, I almost fainted!  Woah, Baby!

Our two groups try to get our bible study / discussion portion done around the same time so that we can train at the same time.  I love this!  I love seeing the 5Kers with their training and how hard they are working. I love hearing them talk about how they trained throughout the week, and how excited they were that they did!  Seeing them at the beginning of their journey is so inspiring to me!  It reminds me of where I started out, and it just makes me so proud of them that they are starting on their own journey.

Just like our last RFG, we are going to do a celebratory run / cookout together.  We have it scheduled in April.  The 10K / Half Marathon group will be running a 10K and the 5K group will start later and do their 5K run.  The plan is to get done around the same time and then cookout and celebrate our huge accomplishment!

Those of us that are running the Mini-Marathon in May will continue some training for the race that will take place the first weekend in May.

I cannot express how excited I am about this round of Run for God.  I know that there will be many testimonies and life changing transformations!

Interval Training

Thank you to everyone for your comments and support throughout my journey.  It means so very much to me and helps me to continue even when I get discouraged!  

My training schedule for now looks like this:

Monday - short run (20 minutes)

Tuesday - medium run (40 minutes)

Wednesday - short run (20 minutes)

Thursday - medium run (40 minutes)

Friday - rest (easy run or cross training possibly)

Saturday - long run (80 minutes)

Sunday - rest (easy run or cross training possibly)

This schedule is not set in stone and can be changed as needed.  

Yesterday was my medium run day and I used my pedometer to track the distance.  I ran around my house because I was not ready to tackle the treadmill again.  The pedometer reading was frustrating to me again.  

1.65 miles on 01-07-14

After my last blog post, my friend Natalie reached out to me and told me a tip that she used to help trick her into running longer on the treadmill.  She did interval training.  I was desperate for any advice to help me use the treadmill so I looked up some interval training for the treadmill.  I found this workout:

 

I liked this workout because it was short - 20 minutes - and perfect to try on my short run days.  I am SLOW.  I am working on it, but still a very slow runner.  The speeds listed in this workout, for now, are not possible for me.  So, I divided them in half and rounded up when I needed.  I also wrote out the entire workout so I would not get confused or figure out what minute and what speed I should be at during the workout.  Here is my hand written modified workout (sorry the picture is blurry):

Today was a short run day and time to try interval training on the treadmill.  I got great recommendations from my friends Deana and Heather on shows to watch while on the treadmill to help, but I decided for this workout I would watch a favorite show of mine - The Office.  I watched one of my favorite episodes it is from season four, episode one and quite appropriate for my workout today.  

Fun Run Episode

I started my interval workout.  The whole time I kept telling myself, "You can do anything for a minute," and since in this workout you switch speeds every minute that got me through each and every minute.  

I did it!  I ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes!  It was hard and tough.  I had to cling to the treadmill at times while still moving my feet.  I was pouring sweat and cramping by the end of it (probably because I had not drank enough water before working out), but I did it!  Woo Hoo!  

I also wore my pedometer to see if the distance on my pedometer matched the distance on the treadmill.  It did not.  

Pedometer: 0.79 mile - vs - Treadmill 0.95 mile

Clearly there is a discrepancy.  This makes me feel better.  I know that my pace on the treadmill is slower (20 minutes and less than a mile...SLOW), but when I run outside I seem to be able to run faster. I am not sure why that is.  I also will test that theory out more once this snow melts and temperatures return to positive numbers.  

I am almost sure I will be back to work tomorrow which means setting my alarm for 5:00 a.m. to get my bible study and workout in before work.  On a positive note, being able to get out of the house will mean getting into a routine and eating less.  There has definitely been a lot of boredom eating while being snowed in.  Anyone else have this problem?  

Pedometer Frustration

With harsh winter weather upon us, the option of running outside is not great right now.  Saturdays are my scheduled long run days so I started out on the treadmill.  I was about 4 minutes in, and I couldn't take it anymore.

This is exactly how I felt.  I decided to change tactics.  I got off the treadmill and returned to my running roots.  I ran around my house - through the different rooms while having the television on to distract me.  I used a pedometer to help me track my distance.  When I finished, I wanted to throw my pedometer across the room.  I was so frustrated!

Pedometer reading on Saturday:

3.17 miles on January 4, 2014

I should be happy about running the distance of a 5K, right?  Not when I consider the amount of time that I ran.  I am not even going to tell you the number of minutes I ran because it would calculate to an embarrassingly slow pace.  Like people could crawl three miles in the amount of time it took for me to run.  Needless to say, I was beyond frustrated.

I took yesterday off from running for multiple reasons.

1.  I did a long run on Saturday.
2.  I was grumpy with my results.
3.  It snowed...a bunch...and I shoveled my driveway.

I got up this morning, did my bible study, felt refreshed, and decided to do my short run.  I made it a point to focus on running faster through my house, not run in place at all (thinking that could have affected my pedometer reading on Saturday), and to keep moving.  I finished thinking I would have at least a mile (hoping for a mile and a half) and this is what my pedometer read:

0.80 miles on January 6, 2014

Grrrr...again, much lower than I expected.

I may have to return to the treadmill and just GET OVER IT.  I also thought that maybe I should try running on the treadmill while wearing the pedometer to see if they match.  I don't want to get discouraged and give up.  It is easy to give up when you get frustrated and discouraged.  It is easy to quit.  I don't want to take the easy way out anymore.

New Year's Resolutions

I am not a fan of New Year's Resolutions.  I almost feel like they were meant to be broken.  With me, they don't stick.  And maybe that shows my lack of discipline, or maybe it goes deeper than that.  Maybe I feel like real change should happen anytime, anywhere and not just at the start of the New Year because it is expected of you.

Did I make any resolutions for 2014?  Kind of.  You may or may not be surprised to hear that none of them are running related.  I guess because running is here to stay, and any goals or milestones or achievements I want to hit have nothing to do with the New Year and everything to do with the New Me.

I think this sums up the things I want to accomplish in 2014:

This is my 2014 bucket list that I plan on achieving by the end of the year.  These are way more fun, meaningful, and easier to maintain than resolutions like lose weight. That decision was made way before the new year started.

With the start of 2014, there are two things that I am being more mindful of: establishing and sticking to a budget and being organized in maintaining my household.  You would think both of these would be easy since there is only one of me, but these are two things that I really want to do this year to put me in a place where I can be more of a blessing to others.

I have also started a new bible study a couple of weeks ago and the memory verse this week could not have been more perfect for the New Year.  Run for God thought the same thing and posted this on their FB page:

Happy New Year!

First Annual Shake Family 5K

First 5K of the New Year?  Check.

That is right.  Yesterday, with the company of several family members, we started the New Year off right.  We walked a 5K together.  I cannot even begin to articulate the significance of this day and what it means to me.

The Shake Family (my mom's side of the family) get together every New Year's Day for our Christmas / New Year's celebration.  The men slave over the fire pit making us delicious food.  It is seriously all the yummy meat you can eat!  We even have enough for leftovers that can last for days, but I digress.

While planning our day, I got a text from my Aunt Jo.  She came up with the brilliant idea of walking a 5K during the day.  She thought it would be a symbolic and fun way to start off the new year.  I loved the idea, and it even brought tears to my eyes!

Plans were put into motion, the route was created, and a starting time was sort of decided. There were a few hiccups along the way, but a group of us, including my dog Ellie, took off for our 5K adventure along the streets of Washington, IN (pronounced Warshington by some people).  It was a lot of fun and we were able to take in the sights of this quaint town while chit chatting.  Ellie had a good time, but it was difficult walking with her!  I guess this means we need to practice some more.

The weather was absolutely perfect.  I was able to wear a couple of layers and still stay warm during our jaunt.  I was discouraged during our walk because I was wearing my running shoes, and the bottoms of my feet were hurting by the end of our walk.  Throughout the day I also experienced some pain in my hips.  I am hoping this is just because my body is getting readjusted to being more active.

It seems like our first 5K was a success, and we plan on continuing this tradition every year. . . perhaps even expanding with more participants.  Fun!  Happy New Year!

Participants in the First Annual Shake Family 5K